Jekyll and Hyde (aka my Mum) …

• January
• 27

6:00 am Mental Illness, Survivors of Abuse, The Friday Files

The Friday Files continue …

“Sometimes my mother would be friendly.  And then – snap! – she would turn it off, and I’d think, ‘What did I do?’”  – Victoria Secunda, When You and Your Mother Can’t Be Friends.

Perhaps if you’ve a read a few of my posts, you may have an impression of my mother as an altogether nasty and horrible piece of work.

In actual fact, she could be charming and bubbly. She was a wonderful raconteur, amusing and entertaining – the life of the party!

When she was in a good mood, we children would often beg her to tell us stories of when we were small. No matter how many times we’d heard them before, we could never get enough! At times I did feel we had an almost normal relationship. As a teen I would often help her prepare dinner, peeling potatoes and the like, and we’d chat.

Mum was usually at her best in company – vivacious, witty, full of energy and laughter.

But like Jekyll and Hyde, she  had two personalities – one the charming sanguine, the other, angry and violent. Her abrupt changes of mood were usually reserved for family or very close friends. (Not surprisingly, that usually spelt the end of the friendship!) Little wonder I felt nobody would believe me if I told them what really went on behind closed doors.

The odd person who DID learn the truth was quickly expunged from our lives. This ensured that we children were isolated, with nobody on our “side” to understand, support or protect us. The odd time they tried, they got nowhere and only succeeded in enraging my mother further. We felt very alone.

A couple of times my friends were exposed to Mum at her worst. My best friend (even today, now that we are in our forties) came to visit after school one day when we were in Year 12, and as Mum was out for the day, we decided to start making dinner as a surprise – roast chicken with all the trimmings.

Once again, I’d got it wrong. Mum was furious when she got home, to find dinner already in the oven. I can’t remember why. Maybe she had some other meat defrosted that she intended to use that night. Maybe I’d wasted a meal that she’d intended for some special purpose. But I can’t help wondering if it was because such an action revealed my growing capabilities, and that I was becoming more and more independent. She ranted and raved, not even caring that my friend was present.

My poor friend didn’t know what to do – she had never seen anything like this. She was horrified, and watched helplessly, with tears pouring down her face. As soon as she could she telephoned her parents to come and pick her up – and refused to set foot in my childhood home again. I couldn’t really blame her. I wouldn’t have set foot in it again either if I had been given the choice!

Another classic example of the Jekyll and Hyde scenario occurred when I was a 19 year old college student. A friend and I had spent a day at the beach, and decided we’d like to go out that night and meet up with some other friends. When I got home, I ran the idea past Mum. Fine, not a problem.

My friend and I had showers and were putting on makeup and fixing our hair when a completely different woman stormed in. Her face contorted with rage, Mum snarled that I was “pushing the limits”, and that I was not allowed to go out again that evening. A rational parent may have changed their mind also (but with a 19 year old?!), but instead of calmly explaining her reasons, she began to yell and scream at me. Perhaps her outburst was due to jealousy of my blossoming social life and confidence.

After scenes like that, I felt fortunate if any of my friends wanted anything further to do with me …