footprintsaustralia.com

Behind the scenes at Footprints magazine

Why wasn’t I told?

  • January
  • 6

6:00 am Mental Illness, Survivors of Abuse, The Friday Files

The Friday Files continue …

So how DID I find out about my mother’s death, so long after the event?

Ah, the wonders of the internet!

Actually I’d been googling my grandmother (at left in photo below, giving my sister a bottle – I’m the toddler, the woman on the right is my great grandmother, with my dad at the back. Circa 1969).


I knew she would be 96 if she was still alive. I wondered if she had passed away and was looking for a death or funeral notice. Just idle curiosity really. So imagine my shock when I saw a funeral notice listing with “dearly beloved daughter of B” (not a common name) … hastily I clicked on the link and scanned the text in front of me …

X, aged 62 years, of —. Passed away peacefully (date) February, 2007 at — Hospital. Dearly loved wife of A, beloved daughter of B and loved sister of C. Relatives and friends are respectfully invited to attend a Service of Thanksgiving for X’s Life to be held at 2 p.m. on  — February, 2007 in the — Church, — Street, —–. Private Cremation Special thanks to the staff at — Hospital and — Nursing Centre and her church family for the love and care shown to X.

I sat staring at the screen, trying desperately to compute and understand what I had just read.

Then the dates hit me. So long ago!!!!! Stunned, I turned around in my chair to face the rest of my section (I was at work at the time) and they must have seen something in my face because straight away one of my colleagues asked if I was all right.

Gasping for air, I finally choked out the words: “My Mum …. Died ……” and the floodgates opened. Despite our estrangement, despite the pain, despite everything, I was devastated. Why? Because at the end of the day, she was still my Mum.

I have since found out that it was my mother’s express wishes that my siblings and I *not* be told …

However I can’t help  being angry with my uncle. My grandmother is in a nursing home with dementia so I can’t blame her. I’d only met that particular stepfather two or three times so we’d never had a close relationship. But my uncle … that was different. Surely once the funeral was over … After a few months passed by …

Or most definitely, when my cousin – his son – made contact via Facebook and realised that my siblings and I *still* didn’t know about my mother’s death, about a year before I did actually stumble across her funeral notice on the Net!  At the time my cousin suggested that we make contact with our maternal grandmother, as she was in a nursing home and poorly – we hadn’t seen her since the final falling out with Mum. I considered it seriously but ended up letting my cousin know that I thought it wasn’t appropriate with things the way they were with my mum. I closed my email by saying, “Besides, I can hear my Mum’s comments now – you only want to see her so you can get into her Will!”

I can only imagine his face when he read that, knowing she’d been dead for years!

I was saddened to hear that it was my mother who didn’t want us to know. Over the years, I had come to a place of forgiveness and although we no longer had contact, I sincerely wished only the best for her. And I had hoped, that somehow, she would have felt the same for me …

Obviously not.

It was a double blow to know that not only had my mother died, but that she had remained bitter and angry right to the very end. I don’t think too many people can say that their mother hated them!

For years I thought it was my fault … nowadays of course I know better. No matter what I did, if we had stayed in contact, if I had done everything that she had wanted and turned my life upside down to meet her slightest whim, I would NEVER, EVER have pleased her. So it really was for the best that I cut her out of my life so many years ago.

It was not a decision that came easily. I’m a Christian - HOW could my relationship with my own mother have broken down so irretrievably? I was burdened by guilt and shame.

It didn’t help when people judged me and thought I should have “tried harder”. Whenever that happened, I reminded myself of one crucial fact: THEY’D NEVER MET MY MOTHER. Nor did they have to live with her!

Next post I will share about how and why I finally cut ties with my mother … and why I believe that sometimes, it is the best thing to do.

(By the way, I *love* comments – so don’t be shy!)



8 comments

I can only imagine how hard finding our like that would have been for you.
Xx

Posted by Michelle D Evans, on January 6th, 2012, at 7:44 am. #.

Thanks Michelle. It was a terrible shock. I suppose on the up side it saved me from having to decide whether to go to the funeral or not.

I cried for days and had to take nearly 3 weeks off work as I came to terms with it. My siblings and I held our own memorial service for our mum, and we made contact with my uncle to try and find out more. Unfortunately we still don’t know really what happened but I got a copy of her death certificate just before Christmas and hope to do some investigating of medical records … when I feel up to it.

It still hits me at odd times. Like while we were watching the local New Year’s fireworks, my first thought was that this is another year that my mum hasn’t been here for – in fact now it’s 2012 it’s 5 years since she passed. My life was so different back then! My kids were so tiny! It was such a long time ago … and I couldn’t help feeling teary when everyone else around me was cheering the New Year.

Wow this is such a long comment, perhaps I should turn it into a blog post.

Posted by Webmaster, on January 6th, 2012, at 9:04 am. #.

Oh Janet, I am so sorry. How God must be crafting your heart into a treasure to behold! To have endured the pain of rejection and still choose forgiveness, is a mighty hot fire to endure. Jesus must be so proud of you, as you released your Mum from all biterness and gave Him the opportunity to draw her back to His arms. And although it may seem that bitterness held it’s sting until the end in her heart, God can do the impossible. He works outside of time to save the lost. Don’t ever give up on that hope.
Thank you for sharing your heart in this most amazing way. It allows me to see why the light of God shined from your eyes when we met.

Bless you x Nicole

Posted by Nicole Watson, on January 6th, 2012, at 9:35 am. #.

Oh my dear, dear, girl, I cried when I read this. My heart goes out to you because I know in part what you are going through xxx

Posted by Lyn Churchyard, on January 6th, 2012, at 9:40 am. #.

wow thank u for your sharing with us recently, I find reading them hard as they are so emotional and i share some of those feelings, not as hard as yours but stilll hurts, my husband went to prison and my ‘christian’ mother and family basically didnt support me, they still speak but dont keep me in the loop and i only see them if i make contact, he is home and if they see us they are all hugs and smiles and how are you but that doesnt help as they still dont make contact themselves, so as a Christian I have often struggled with this, but I did try to work it out, I sent mum a letter when he 1st went in saying that if she couldnt say his name or ask after him I couldnt visit, so she did make contact and after a 2 hr visit finally said his name but nothing else, so I have made my own life away and just see them occassionaly, so great to hook into such deep thoughts thanks again

Posted by karen nightingale, on January 6th, 2012, at 9:56 am. #.

Nicole, thank you so much for your encouraging words. They are balm to my soul, I hope Jesus is happy with me. You’re right, sometimes I forget how huge a thing “forgiveness” is and that I have achieved it with God’s help after I have been through – amazing!!!

Believe it or not, despite everything, my Mum WAS a Christian, so I look forward to meeting her again in heaven one day and having the relationship that we never got to have here on earth …

Posted by Webmaster, on January 6th, 2012, at 11:17 am. #.

Thank you Lyn. You know the more I go through life the more I realise just how many people are hurting. Everybody has a story to tell and there are so many with a story similar to mine in many ways. That’s one of the reasons I’m sharing here – not to dishonour my Mum or vent or say “poor me” but to share my journey and how despite everything, have managed to overcome the past and have a great life with God’s help, in the hope it will help and encourage others.

Posted by Webmaster, on January 6th, 2012, at 11:19 am. #.

Karen, I get teary too sometimes writing these posts! I hope they don’t bring you down though but rather give you hope that despite the curve balls life can throw at us, we can overcome with God’s help. Why are families so darn difficult??! I can tell you are a wonderful woman of God, sticking with your hubby through thick and thin. Sadly, just because your parents are Christians doesn’t mean they will be like Jesus would in the way they act towards you & your husband. Believe it or not MY Mum was a Christian, but she also had a terrible and severe psychiatric illness. It’s funny, I always used to wish I had grown up in a Christian home – it’s only lately that I’ve realised, that actually, I DID! It just wasn’t the idyllic cottage with roses lifestyle that I’d envisioned …

Posted by Webmaster, on January 6th, 2012, at 11:22 am. #.

Leave a comment!


e-mail (required, but will not be published)


Message

 

CommentLuv badge

Spam protection by WP Captcha-Free

© 2008-2010 footprintsaustralia.com. Blog theme by blogstheme.com