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Behind the scenes at Footprints magazine
Sandgate Children’s Home
- November
- 4
7:30 am Mental Illness, Survivors of Abuse, The Friday Files
The Friday Files – A couple of months ago I found out that my Mum had passed away – four and a half years ago!
Obviously ours was not a “normal” mother / daughter relationship. Mum had bipolar disorder and I am certain she also had borderline personality disorder although I don’t know if this was every formally diagnosed. It didn’t even become a clinical diagnosis until it was included in DSM-III (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) in 1980. Don’t be fooled by the name – there is nothing borderline about borderline. It is in fact very full-on!
As I process my mother’s life and death, I thought I might share some snapshots of my life with a mentally ill parent, here on this blog. It’s therapy for me, and hopefully it will help others who may be struggling to deal with a loved one with a mental illness, or are estranged from a family member … whatever. Who knows, maybe one day I will put my recollections together in book form. Or not …
***
When I was in Year 7, my siblings and I were placed in the Sandgate Children’s Home when my mother was hospitalised (again). You can view pictures of the Home in 1900 as well as present day, and find out a little more about it here.
At first I was excited – here was my chance to live out all those exciting boarding school type adventures I’d been reading (can you tell I was a big fan of Enid Blyton?)! But the reality was very different.
For a start, I hadn’t reckoned with the overwhelming sense of rejection, desolation or abandonment. Upon arrival at the Home all of our belongings were taken from us, to be stored until our departure. We were dressed in the official uniform – white shirt and blue tunic. What was even worse was that my brother was placed in a separate building for children under school age. I probably saw him only once or twice during our stay.
The Home was situated on what is now considered prime real estate on the Sandgate Esplanade. Every morning we were woken at five, while it was still dark and bitterly cold (it must have been winter). By the time we ate our breakfast in the dining room, the sun was sparkling on the sea through the huge windows.
My first breakfast there was a nightmare. All my life all I’d ever had – and wanted – for breakfast was Coco Pops. But here – they served porridge! I couldn’t think of anything worse. I was forced to eat it but with the first mouthful my stomach heaved and I ran out of the dining room, convinced I would throw up.
Funnily enough, by the time we left the Home I loved our breakfasts of porridge followed by toast and fresh oranges. It was far better than any breakfast I’d ever received at home!
After breakfast we would then change out of our Home clothes into normal gear, ready for school. We were taken into a room lined with shelves of folded second hand clothing, and given anything that looked like it might fit. Usually it was jeans and a jumper.
A “Nurse” would then walk us, like Madeline, in two straight lines to the local school. This was a huge adjustment for somebody who had lived in the same house and attended the same school since the year dot. Dressed in my Home “hand me downs” I felt – and I’m pretty sure the other children also treated me – as a second class citizen. “One of those Home kids”. I felt lonely and insecure.
The other thing that stands out in my mind was the absolute lack of affection in the Home. The “Nurses” who looked after us were usually very young women and I doubt they had any qualifications. Although some were friendly, others were quite mean. None showed affection – perhaps they weren’t allowed to. Being in Year Seven, I was perhaps the oldest inmate, and quickly became a substitute mother for the little ones starving for love and attention. No doubt this fulfilled some of my own need for human touch as well. I have vivid memories of sitting on the forms in the TV room with my arms around as many children – including my two sisters – as could fit beneath them!
Every night, as we would walk up the hallway to the dormitories ready for bed, we would pass beneath a picture of the Queen. She looked so much like my mother it would make me want to cry – in fact my youngest sister, got into the habit of saying “Ni-night Mummy” to that picture each evening.
In her absence, we idealised our mother into the perfect maternal figure. The beatings, the arguments, the screaming, all were forgiven and forgotten. We just wanted our Mummy back, and for life to return to “normal”.
When Mum did arrive to collect us, she was not alone. She brought her new boyfriend with her. I was annoyed that he had to intrude on our family reunion, but even more angry that while she was obviously well enough to spend time with him, she was too sick to care for us and so we had been abandoned in the home. I tried not to dwell on it, once again squashing down the rage that could never be released around her, just happy that we were finally going home.
However, going home wasn’t as great as I remembered it. It seemed darker, dirtier somehow, and depressing after the sunny seaside views and routines of the Home. Although it had been a shock to the system at first, I think all of us adjusted and maybe even benefited from the stability and routine of life in the Children’s Home.
Recently I even completed an interview for the “Forgotten Australians and Former Child Migrants” oral history project with the National Library of Australia, about my time in the Home. I originally requested that the interview not be released until after my death – mainly to protect my mother. How ironic to discover only a few weeks later, that she had actually been dead for over four years …
PS COMMENTS ALWAYS WELCOME!
21 comments
Wow! Janet, I want to comment on this blog post, but my heart is simply overwhelmed! I pray this will be a wake up call for Christians everywhere- please,please, please simply love one another. Judgements are for our Lord Jesus, all He asks us to do is put our arms around another person and love them unconditionally.
Posted by knapale, on November 5th, 2011, at 10:21 am. #.
I honestly don’t realise how shocking some of the stories from my childhood are until I read your comments. I guess it’s because that’s been my reality and as a child it was all I knew. I would have been 30 before I even termed what I had endured as “abuse”. A lot of the stuff I am sharing here I actually first wrote a long time ago – it’s nice to finally feel free to share it. When my mother was still alive I felt NOT to. But now that barrier is gone. Still miss her though despite everything …
Posted by Webmaster, on November 5th, 2011, at 3:30 pm. #.
Hi Janet, thank you for this post, it really touched me. I would love to hear more of your story. How wonderful that our Father is using you now to spread His love and healing everywhere. you’re a real testament to His redeeming power. xoHelen
Posted by Helen Calder, on November 5th, 2011, at 4:42 pm. #.
I love you, Sis, x Jus
Posted by Justine Pell, on November 16th, 2011, at 9:00 pm. #.
Love you too Jus!!!! Thank heavens we had each other – and still do!!!
love Janet xxx
Posted by Webmaster, on November 17th, 2011, at 10:33 am. #.
[...] they spent time in a home or orphanage; [...]
Posted by footprintsaustralia.com » I want to be a THRIVER not a survivor of abuse!, on December 4th, 2011, at 6:18 pm. #.
Hi Janet…. thank you for sharing about your time at Sandgate Childrens Home. I found your story online because I have just started to research the “Home” as it’s a part of my childhood as well. My 3 brothers and I were inmates for what seemed a lifetime but was around 2 months. (apparently). I too remember not being able to see or touch my youngest brother because we were separated by a fence. I well remember the odd clothes, the march to school, the porridge and oranges at breakfast and 2 or 3 children to a bath. I remember most of all a deep sadness and lonliness inside. How I longed for my parents, for affection, for my normality, my family, my home. We were at the Sandgate Childrens Home in 1969, I was 7 years old. It is fabulous to hear of someone else who has been there and lives to tell the tale!
Thanks again……
Posted by Rustie Lassam, on December 7th, 2011, at 10:56 am. #.
Thanks for your comment Rustie – because I also am delighted to hear from a fellow “survivor” of the Home! I don’t know how long I was in for either – funny how our memories blank this out – but I’m told it wasn’t a long time, it just felt like eternity to me!
I can’t believe how similar our experiences were even though they were about 10 years apart. They obviously didn’t learn anything. I wonder if anything like that still exists?
In the photo above, the bed I slept in was just behind the windows on the left hand side …
Posted by Webmaster, on December 7th, 2011, at 8:42 pm. #.
I was just sitting looking at a Tv program about sandgate and I thought about the sandgate home. So i thought i would google it to my supprise i found this site and read all your comments I can identify with some of them we where there in the fifties. I am nearly sixty now and still get angry when i am reminded of sandgate, we where place in when our mother got sick having fifth child and dad was unable to care for all of us.
I will never forget that place it was awful the staff (I think they where nuns as I remember them being dressed the same as my aunty who is a nun). where not only mean they where nasty I can remember being looked in a cupboard on the verandah and my older sister getting a flogging for being late to school and she hide under the tank stand at the school we where seven,six,five and three I think this was our ages. Big plates of soaked fill syrup toast and only aloud to have half a slice each as the staff walked around with a big cane (the cane looked huge to a five year old). I have never been back the sand gate area since. I have asked my older sister about it and she remembers nothing nor do the other children. I don’t know why I have such vivid memories of that place. This is the first time I have really spoken about it even my mother said I must have imagined it, it wasn’t that bad of a place so i never really talked about it. I. Know it was a long time ago but these memories do stay with you. I think I will go there and have a look at the building and let go of it all. Thanks I feel better just writing this down. Anne.
Posted by Anne, on February 19th, 2012, at 6:35 pm. #.
Thanks for your comment Anne. It’s nice for me to know that there are others out there who were affected their by time in ‘the home’ it helps me feel normal. I am 50 this year and some of my memories are very clear. I remember one nun in particular, I will protect her anonymity at this stage, who insisted that I eat all of my spaghetti, every bit of it. I didn’t like the taste it was my first time eating such food and she forced me to eat it standing over me with a cane. She was an enormous woman to this seven year old. I vomited my spaghetti bolognaise up onto my plate and she made me eat it again only this time it was in a worse state than the first. I have never been able to eat spaghetti since. It’s just one of the little things that affected this child. One of my brothers jumped up from his table (we were not permitted to eat together in our family unit) and stomped on the nuns foot! I’m smiling as I remember that bit, he was only five years old…… take care and thanks again Anne….Warm Regards to you, Rustie
Posted by Rustie Lassam, on February 20th, 2012, at 6:45 am. #.
Wow, it was refreshing to read your blog! My sister and I spent a few months in the Sandgate children’s home in 1980, when our mother, a chronic schizophrenic was institutionalized. Reading your story, I see have had many similar experiences! The most striking experience in common – oddly enough was your ‘breakfasts’ comment about porridge. I didn’t mind the porridge but I loathed baked beans! When I left the home I loved them!
Posted by Warren Franklin, on March 3rd, 2012, at 2:30 pm. #.
Warren, you were there only 2 years after me. I believe it closed down in the early 80′s … I wonder what happens to those kids now? Do they get put in foster care? I used to beg and pray to go to a foster family, would you believe!
Posted by Webmaster, on March 6th, 2012, at 7:19 pm. #.
Hello there Janet i too was a child forced to live in that place ; with my younger brother and sister I can’t remember how long we were left there but it felt like a life time lots of memories come flooding back after hearing your story. I didnt realize how much it affected me until i started recalling stuff while listening and reading everyone else’s replies . The treatment we got in there was not very good at all . the meal times’ the tv room downstairs the walk to the school and back ‘ when i saw a photo of the building i remembered how i felt walking up those stairs and how big the place was even tho there were other kids there I still felt very lonely. Its funny memories come flooding back when something can trigger it off
Posted by Russell Armstrong, on March 21st, 2012, at 11:41 pm. #.
Russell, I just find it so sad that everybody who has commented on this blog had terrible memories of that place. I mourn for all the lost and lonely little kids who were dumped there (including myself) and I just want to give them all a great big hug. I hope and pray each of us finds hope and healing despite what we have endured.
For those who might be interested in finding out more about Sandgate Children’s Home,
you can read more and access a recording of the interview I gave last year for the Forgotten Australians project for the National Library of Australia, at:
http://catalogue.nla.gov.au/Record/5383898.
(Personally I can’t listen to it – I hate hearing recordings of my voice LOL!)
Posted by Webmaster, on March 22nd, 2012, at 5:26 pm. #.
Wow, my brother was in Sandgate Wednesday and called me and said Lisa do you remember that home we were in at Sandgate. I said Yes, but I didn’t think he was there, reading your story now maybe he was separated from me also. I don’t remember my age but he recalls being 7 so that would make me 9 making the year 1975. He asked me if I remembered where it was and of course I couldn’t but new it was near the water somewhere and I remember like you walking(like Madeline) on the burning hot footpaths barefoot. It started me searching and I found you. It’s amazing what your memory allows you to remember…lumpy porridge, oranges and vegemite on toast which was so foreign to us an discusting, being Italian and my father not allowing it in the house because it was to Australia, we were made to eat it.I do love vegemite today of course. I have so loved reading everyones comments and it is scary how similar all our family lives are. I know that when I was growing up I thought I was the only one with a disfunctional famliy and like you being a mother cannot understand the actions of my mother. We can all hold ours heads up high and be proud of what we have become.
Posted by Lisa, on April 19th, 2012, at 9:07 pm. #.
Thanks Lisa, I know, I’m really enjoying reading and hearing everybody’s stories … sad we had to go through all that, but glad we can connect now all these years later and share and encourage each other.
I wonder what happens to kids these days in families like the ones we came from, now that there aren’t any “homes”? Do they get put in foster care instead?
Posted by Webmaster, on April 20th, 2012, at 12:07 pm. #.
I think we live in the world of Foster carers now, which to be honest I’m not sure if it’s better or worse. I only say that for the bad stories I’ve come accross with foster carers and am certainly not saying all carers are bad because their are some amazing and special people out there caring for kids like we used to be and far worse.
Could you advise me on how to find out about getting records of my time spent there?
Posted by Lisa, on April 20th, 2012, at 1:08 pm. #.
I know what you mean Lisa … but I still used to ring Lifeline and similar and BEG to go into a foster home … felt anything would be better than what I had!
I don’t know much about obtaining records BUT if you get in touch with the State Archives at Runcorn, I believe they have a register of everyone who spent time there – there may even be a file on each child for all I know. It’s something I want to do “one day” myself …
Posted by Webmaster, on April 20th, 2012, at 2:43 pm. #.
Hi,
I have spoken to my parents in recent times about the ‘home’ at Sandgate and thought I would add this little bit of positivity from my them. My family had just moved from Newcastle NSW to Brisbane as my father had secured a much deserved promotion with a company in QLD. Not long after we had arrived both my parents were diagnosed with Hepatitis and ‘quarantined’ to the house whilst my 3 brothers and I were sent to the ‘home’ in Sandgate as ordered by the department of health. Also…. there was no -one to look after us as relatives were in NSW and Tasmania. Both my parents are grateful for the Sandgate home as they were so very sick both thought their lives were about to end and had no way of caring for 4 little children.. My dad says he had never been so sick then nor since…. Both are in their mid seventies now. From their perspective, it was a great service that was provided. I remember when they picked us up after our 2 month ‘ordeal’ we were all in tears of joy at being released (it was like a jail to us) and my mother said, ‘what’s up, don’t you want to come home?’ How little did she know!! Another positive for my parents was that we all had the childhood diseases like measles and mumps whilst in Sandgate Home which meant that we didn’t have to go through it at home, so nor did they!! I enjoy dropping in on this site, thanks for the opportunity…..and thanks for information on Runcorn State Archives, I too will have a go at retrieving any records they may have access to…….Rustie
Posted by Rustie Lassam, on April 21st, 2012, at 2:31 pm. #.
Thanks Rustie, it was interesting to read another side to the “Sandgate Home” story. I am sure most parents would never have willingly put their kids into care, if they didn’t have a choice. That’s why I wonder why I landed there. We had grandparents, AND a father who could have taken care of us.
There was an outbreak of head lice while I was there, I guess it was the sort of environment where infectious diseases etc just thrived!
Posted by Webmaster, on April 22nd, 2012, at 6:29 pm. #.
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Wow Janet, what an amazing woman you are. Thank you so much for having the courage to share that story. It’s so great to see how God has brought you through such difficult situations and that you’re now helping and inspiring so many others. You go girl! Look forward to catching up at the Writers Fair, Love Nola
Posted by Nola Passmore, on November 5th, 2011, at 9:00 am. #.